High School Confidential
by diablo666
Summary: The characters from Malcolm Fox's Meg's Boyfriend and Meg's Family feature in this new fanfic. Stewie, along with Maddie, CJ and Tilly, are now in high school. Read to see what happens. Chapter 9 finally up! At least I got it in before Chinese Democracy..
1. Life Is Good

Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or any Family Guy characters; Seth MacFarlane does. I also don't own Maddie, CJ, Tilly or Zack (Maddie's Dad), cause MalcolmFox holds that honour. I'm simply borrowing these characters to create a story concept I created while stoned. I also don't own any other pop culture references, intentional or otherwise, that pop up in this fanfic.

Be warned: the first two chapters are largely to set the scene for upcoming events so not much happens and it's kind of dull by my own admission.

Maddie's POV

The bell rings for the end of the day. And it couldn't have come sooner. Ten more minutes of Geography would probably have been enough to send me over the edge. Then again, staring at Jason Tucker in front of me is no hardship. I wonder if he'll turn around and see me? Better get that hair out of my eyes. I finally get my books packed up as I wait for Tilly to leave. She's having some big discussion with the teacher, and she's probably right about whatever it is. We use each other to our advantages. Tilly helps me with school, and I help her get guys. Everyone wins.

Thank God. Here she comes.

"So, what was the big discussion?"

"Oh, just about the exact location of coal mines in China. Nothing big." For you, maybe. For those of us who can't even point out one coal mine, it's big.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not stupid, especially compared to my other cousin, CJ. He's 16 and he still can't spell any word with more than three letters. Sometimes I wonder how CJ and Tilly are even related, let alone twins. I'm average. Like my mum and dad. Though Uncle Chris is dumber than a sack of hammers, and he provided the sperm (Apparently) for Tilly.

"So, is Stewie picking us up?"

"I think so. I'm just hoping he's forgotten the bet." Enter Sandman plays from my phone which means only one thing. Stewie.

"Hey Il pick u up da fr0nt. D0nt 4get r bet. NIECE."

Shit. He hasn't forgotten. When my mum and dad had gone out for the night, I'd called Stewie and some of his mates around along with Tilly and CJ. One thing led to another and eventually me and him had gotten into a dance off. Somehow, that little homo won. So now I have to refer to him as "Uncle Stewie" in front of all his nerd crowd, most of who haven't ever been as close to a girl as I'll be getting to them now. It sucks having an uncle who's only a year older than you.

"I'm scared," I confide to Tilly as we head for the front gate.

"Of what? It's just a bet. And even if Stewie gets too annoying, you can kick his arse." Maybe in a fight, but he won't fight me. He'll get some crazy gizmo and vaporise me.

"He doesn't have the guts to do anything to you. Your dad can kick uncle Peter's arse any day." True, but to beat Grandpa Peter all you have to do is hit him in the guts.

Finally we arrive only to find Stewie and his gang of nerds hanging round the front like usual. Stewie came up to me. In fifteen years he'd hardly changed. He was still obsessed with killing Grandma Lois, his head was still football-shaped, he had the same British accent despite the fact he'd never been to England...really the only thing that had changed about him was that he was now taller and openly gay.

"You know how this works. Give me a hug..."

"You're dead tonight you little prick"

"And say "I am a whore. Uncle Stewie is my master and I shall do whatever you boys desire.""

"You're a sick, twisted person."

"I know. Now say it."

I took a deep breath. "I am a whore. Uncle Stewie is my master and I shall do whatever you boys desire." Camera phones everywhere. Damn nerds.

"Take your clothes off!" That's one nerd due for a beating. I'll have to let someone know about that.

"Now boys, don't get carried away. Miss Madeline's sex tape will be on the internet at 7:45pm tonight. Please join me for the premiere at..." he stopped when I punched him on the arm.

"Shut your face."

"Or what?"

"Or I'll tell Dad." He shriveled up. Stewie's scared of my Dad. "Just give us a ride home."

We climbed into Stewie's beat up jeep. While Tilly loves to reprimand him for driving such a gas guzzler with an impending world fuel shortage, it's probably the only vehicle that can survive both his driving (he drives like he's drunk half the time) and his crazy plans. All over the car are scattered blueprints and plans of action. All in the name of world domination. At least he's somewhat grown out of matricide, though between me and Tilly sits a machine designed to decapitate Grandma Lois with a can opener. Boys and their retarded ideas.

"So, where's CJ?"

"Detention as usual."

"What did he do this time?"

"I don't know. Let's just get home."

Eventually Stewie pulled in front of my place, so I got off and left Tilly behind.

"Bye. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, you too. Stay online; I'm gonna need help with our Physics homework." was my parting shot as I headed to the door, for Mom to answer. She's real busy with law school lately, but by next year she'll graduate and be practicing.

"Where's Dad?"

"I don't know, sweetie, he's got a lot of work to do." These days, Dad mostly runs his auto shops from home. The home that we built. After several accidents (including one where Grandpa Peter had a two-by-four in his arse and Mum lit the fountain on fire) almost a year ago to the day we moved into Mum and Dad's dream home. Five bedrooms, a pool, everything you can name...it's like something off MTV Cribs.

"You got a lot of homework?"

"Nah, I reckon I'll just go chill by the pool."

"Remember not to forget about your work. As I've told you enough times..."

"...just because Dad got me pregnant when I was a teenager doesn't mean you should do the same because your Dad is a special case. I get it Mum." How many times have I heard the story I don't even know. Better get to the pool before she goes on.

I went up to my room to change and jump. While Mum says I'm not allowed to jump from my room window into the pool, how's she to know? But first...I see a face in my window! Most girls would have been scared at this sight but not me, cause only one person ever does that. Steve, neighbourhood creep. I love most things about the new house, but Steve is one thing I'd gladly trade for a smaller room or the lack of a pool.

"Steve!" I scream out the window. But it's no use cause he's also a black belt in Aikido, meaning he can kick my arse. Plus, his dad's the local bank manager which means if I piss him off too much, Dad's in trouble. The world sucks...time to forget about it with a nice cold drink by the pool. Who knows, maybe Jason may walk by on his way home. Maybe he'll notice my new bikini or the fact I've started working out more. Maybe. All I know right now is that life is good and there's no need to change it.


	2. Life Isn't Good

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. Chris and Joe belong to Seth MacFarlane, Tilly and CJ are MalcolmFox's creation. The plot is mine though. I'm always interested in others' ideas for where I should take this fanfic, so feel free to suggest stuff to me.

Tilly's POV

Life is not good. We're doomed. Or that was my first thought when I saw the cop cars outside the house. Oh my God...please tell me Dad isn't busted. CJ comes running outside.

"They busted Dad."

"Oh God no...how?"

"He got pulled over for a random search, and they found the drugs in his car."

"Damn it Dad, haven't I always told him to never keep them inside? Where is he?"

"At the police station. Let's go."

"How are we going to get there?"

"I'll hot-wire a car."

"You don't know how to."

"I've seen it in the movies. How hard can it be?"

"And what are we going to do when we arrive at the police station in a stolen car?"

"Deny it."

I sighed. This was going to take a while unless I conceded.

"Ok, try it."

CJ ran up to a conveniently-parked car, grabbed a rock and smashed the window. The alarm went haywire, but he grabbed a wire and jumped in the front seat, before sticking it in the ignition and flooring the accelerator.

"Hey sis, why aren't we moving?"

How could anyone be so dumb? With great restraint, I reminded him that "you have to wiggle the wire a bit, dumb arse, then see what happens. Here, let me try." I got in the drivers seat and managed to get the engine on, but when I tried to start it we didn't move.

"We're not moving."

"That's because of the engine immobiliser. Everyone knows that." I hate it when he gets one over me. He acts like a total smart arse.

"No time for smart arse antics now, we've got to run."

"Why?"

I pointed to his window. A big black guy was standing outside. He cracked his knuckles. "That's why."

Next thing I know, we're both being thrown into a jail cell.

"Get used to it, punks. You're gonna be seeing a lot of these." I know that voice.

"Joe?"

"It's Lieutenant Swanson to you, punk."

"No Joe, it's us. CJ and Tilly! Chris Griffin's kids! You know, you babysat CJ once."

"Oh yeah. I'm not gonna forget that in a hurry.

(Flashback)

Joe is babysitting a two year old CJ in his police car.

"can I push this button?"

"No." CJ pushes it anyway and the siren starts.

"What about this one?"

"No." He also pushes it and the lights start.

"Stop pushing buttons!"

"Can I just push this one?"

"No...wait, yes you can." CJ pushes it as a Mexican guy walks by.

"Illegal immigrant. Illegal immigrant." blasts from the car horn as a bunch of rednecks jump out of the bushes and start beating the Mexican guy.

"Stop stealing our jobs that we don't want!"

(End Flashback)

"Well, you can join your lowlife Dad in a cell." Joe let us out of our cell and walked us down to another one where Dad sat.

"Dad!"

"CJ? Tilly? What are you doing here? It isn't visiting time."

"No, Dad, we got busted!" CJ actually seems happy about this.

"What? Haven't I taught you anything? Don't break the law..."

"...unless you're so far up shit creek without a paddle you don't have a choice." This is one of Dad's favourite lessons to us. It's also his explanation for why he got into drug dealing.

When me and CJ were three, our mum ran off with a rich businessman to New York and left us with Dad. Since we relied on Mum's income as a stripper and Dad was still in high school at the time, we had to live off Grandma and Grandpa for a while. After school Dad tried to go work for Uncle Zack, but when he blew up his garage trying to change a tyre Uncle Zack fired him but put him in touch with some guys in the drug business. Since then, Dad rose to Quahog's biggest heroin dealer. While it never affected us much (except when junkies stayed for dinner and tried to hit on me) and having a rich drug dealer dad has lots of perks (the newest of everything, holidays in Europe and Australia) I'd always feared he would get busted. Looks like this is it. What's gonna happen to us?

"Dad, you're not going to jail are you?"

"I'm afraid so, CJ. Look after your sister. Tilly, if you two ever go too hungry you may have to become a working girl."

"Dad, I can't believe you're encouraging your own daughter to become a prostitute."

"I meant you'd have to get a job! What is it with kids and their slang these days?"

"..."

"Okay, time's up." Joe. "CJ, Tilly, the guy who's car you trashed says he won't press charges as long as you pay for it."

"We don't have any money."

"Mr Swanson, if you'd let me go to an ATM I could get the cash the kids need to pay."

"Okay then." Joe steps in and lets the cuffs off Chris. "Go, but be back soon." Chris runs out.

"Shouldn't we send somebody with him?"

"Let him go. He's too dumb to figure out he can escape."

"Dad can escape?" I jumped up and ran through the open door (this chapter has way too many random lucky coincidences). It may be a crime, but I'm not letting Dad go to jail.

"How come you're not going with them?" Joe to CJ. Dumb arse can't even figure out he can leave.

"Cause they're only going to come back. Why should I waste the energy?"

"Yep, you're definitely your fathers' son. Want some chocolate?"

"Thanks."

I sprinted out of the police station before any of those idiots could realise what I was doing. But as I rounded the corner...

...I crashed right into Dad.

"Tilly, what are you doing?"

I was totally out of breath. "Dad...I'm not letting them send you to jail."

"What else can I do? The best thing you can do for me is hope I don't get prison raped. I wouldn't mind a tattoo though..."

"You already have our names. Anyway Dad, don't you get it? No one can stop you from escaping now! You're free!"

"I am?" Dad looks around. Jesus Dad...I love you, but you can be so thick at times.

"I am! Let's go." Dad hailed a cab and we both got in.

"Where to, sir?"

"Quahog airport, please."

What's going to happen to Tilly and her Dad? And will CJ catch up with them? Well, if I answered these questions there wouldn't be any point of reading on, would there?


	3. The Chase

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters in this chapter, etc etc etc. If there's something no one at all knows of, I may have made it up. I also own the Purple Church and all related ideas. These will be fleshed out in a later chapter.

This is the end of the scene-setting chapters. From here on out, it's all story.

Stewie's POV

It sucks being the blasted taxi driver for all my nieces and nephew. My God, even after all these years it seems wierd to have nieces and nephews that are just a year younger than you. I wonder how things would have turned out if I'd been an only child?

(Flashback)

Stewie is in his room and he has the best of everything; a flat screen TV, computer, a PS3, 360 and even a Wii. Plus all his clothes are flash.

(End Flashback)

Better not wonder how things had turned out. Or it'll be like the fatman's current project. Dear God, what's that? It looks like a giant hang glider...wait, no, it's the PeterGlider. And it looks like it's heading...straight for Mr Swanson's yard. Yep. He's not gonna like that. That would be what, the five hundred and thirty sixth time one of his crazy inventions have destroyed his yard? Well, I'm home now. Goddmanit Lois needs to work on her parking. She'd better learn quickly before I kill her, cause I'm sure Satan doesn't like bad parking in hell.

"Hi honey. How was your day?" Blast! That evil witch sees me. Quick, say something...

"All right Mum, you know I've got a lot of homework so I better go." Don't stop for an answer, just run. If only I was a baby again...then none of them care about what I say and I can say things without Lois knowing. The fat man's too dumb to care and the dog doesn't do anything...dear God, there he is. And he's drunk.

"What are you doing, you misbegotten mutt?"

"Come on Stewie, lighten up. Wanna drink?" Yeah, like I'm really going to drink something covered in old dog saliva. You'd think all the booze would have trashed his liver by now but no, he still carries on like a whore with a rich client. I guess I shouldn't complain too much. After all, he is still my only peer in the entire family who gets me. The female spawn of fat boy gets close, but she's still a girl. She can't do for me what the dog can...oh it makes me horny thinking about it. What can help me now? Let's see what mr TV has.

"We now return to the ESPN Bodybuilding Nationals..."

"Excellent!"

"...and in the Female division, we have..."

"Damn you, teasing ESPN headlines!" Oh well, at least I always have . Yeah, that sounds like a good way to spend an afternoon. Wait. Please God, don't tell me...

"Honey, I'm home!" Damn it. The fat man is home early today. Of all days. Why did he have to get that job as a professor at clown college? I remember when he took me to work when I was a kid.

(Flashback)

"Okay Stewie, this is where Daddy works. The place where magic is canned." They are at the brewery and Stewie is about four or five.

"You mean the place where substandard working practices and illegal immigrants are combined to produce a liquid intended to create a hypnotic effect on the masses?"

"If you want to put it that way."

"Well, then what are we here for? Let's take the tour!" (to himself) "Note to self, must look into acquiring one of these places in the future."

(End Flashback)

They say I've never changed. Well, if I haven't changed, the Fat Man has stagnated. He's still as fat as ever, still as dumb as ever (Except for that one time where he bumped his head on Google and he knew every fact in the world) and he still can't keep a job for any length of time.

"How was your day, honey?" They must be kissing now. Gross. Why won't they learn that public sexual affection is illegal once you pass 50? Then again, Lois was supposed to blow up on her 50th birthday...blasted rusty time bomb.

Time to go upstairs. A nice glass of sparkling grape juice, a copy of Proust and . Heaven on Earth.

Maddie's POV

My time by the pool was cut short when Mum came out. And she looked worried.

"Honey..."

"What's wrong Mum? It's not Dad...is it?"

"No, it's your uncle Chris."

"Oh God. Did he stick a fork in a toaster and put them inside a microwave again?"

"No, he...got arrested."

Arrested? What would Uncle Chris be arrested for? As far as I know stupidity isn't a crime...but he'd never hurt a fly otherwise.

"Mom...why?"

"Uncle Chris was a drug dealer. Didn't you ever realise?"

Huh? Uncle Chris a drug dealer? I know he was too rich for a guy who (apparently) ran a convenience store, but I would never have seen him as a drug dealer cause I'd have assumed he would be too dumb to cover it up. Though this does explain all the junkies who hung around his house.

"So what's gonna happen to him?"

"That's the problem. Apparently they let him go to get cash to pay some guy who's car CJ and Tilly trashed..."

"Tilly trashed a car?" I'd never thought she had it in her.

"...but then Tilly ran out of the cell she was in and they made a runner. So they asked us if we'd seen them."

"I haven't seen Tilly since I left Stewie's car. Have you tried asking Dad?" Dad was out in Providence at the opening of the newest branch of Zack's Auto Shop, so maybe it was a dumb idea.

"I did. He says he hasn't seen them. I'm gonna call Mom and see if she knows about it."

As Mum left inside, I was filled with a wierd mix of...everything. I was stunned that my favourite (albeit versus Stewie) uncle was a drug dealer, confused at Tilly's so called behaviour and wanting to get back to working on my tan. But as I turned over...

"Maddie! Psst!" Someone's calling from the bush. Probably Steve. I went over.

"Listen you little twat, if you come here once more I'm calling the cops. I don't fing..." Wait, that's not Steve. It's Tilly! And Uncle Chris! Wait, how did he fit into the bush? Who cares?

"We just heard your mum talking about us."

"Is it true?"

"All of it. When we heard Dad got busted, me and CJ tried stealing a car but we got caught. Joe let Dad out to get cash to pay the guy but I ran out with him."

"And CJ?"

"Probably still in his cell."

"Alright, we better get a plan together. First, come out of there and we'll go to Dad's shed."

Tilly crawled out but Uncle Chris didn't.

"Uncle Chris, why aren't you coming?" Oh great. He's staring at me. His own niece.

"Maddie, is it wrong that I'm really attracted to you right now?"

"Not as wrong as when Grandpa asked Grandma if he could fantasise about 25 year old me in the future."

"What?" I shouldn't have said that.

"Um...nothing. Just get your fat arse out of there and into the shed. And yes, it is wrong."

Stewie's POV

Oh man, that is one buff Dad. I bet he has to stay in shape lifting all those kids...

Damnit, my phone. It better not be William again...doesn't that little prick know I'm over him? Wait, it's from Madeline.

"We need ur help. Gt ur are over 2 my plac n0w. Maddie."

What does she want from me? Wait, Lois is running up the stairs. And she's crying. Why are women always so needy and emotional? No wonder I went gay. Now, if only we could make babies...

"Stewie!" Lois comes running into my room and jumps on me. "I'm so glad I have two good kids like you and Meg." She's crying. Better not push it.

"Since when did you like Meg more than fat boy? He did win you money..." Okay, that's pushing it.

"Chris...arrested...drugs...where will the kids go?"

Chris got arrested? Well, it was inevitable that someone of his brain capacity would do something dumb with the drugs. How do I know about it? After all I convinced him to go into the drug business. Eventually I planned to tamper with his drugs to make something that I could use to take over the world...but I realised it had already been done so I gave that plan up.

Anyway, it looks like he slipped up. Hmmm. Wonder if Madeline's text message has anything to do with it? Only one way to find out.

"Mum, I'm going to Maddie's."

"No, I want you here right now. Your brother may be looking for you and I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm just going to do homework. I'll either be in my car or in her house with it's dogs and million alarms, for God's sake."

"Okay, but be safe."

"I will." I got into my car and headed for Madeline's house, intrigued by the whole situation.


	4. The Arrest

Tilly's POV

This sucks. We've been locked in this tiny shed for hours, and none of us have come up with a plan. Dad suggested that we storm the gate of the police station, but he was just watching the Tenacious D movie on Uncle Zack's plasma screen at the same time. Maddie's panicking without being at all productive, and Stewie has forgotten the task at hand and is plotting a way to take over the world using Uncle Zack's jackhammer. My family are idiots.

"...so I clone this jackhammer to talk and obey me, then I clone more and I create a master race of jackhammers to take over the world! But since they can't for themselves because they are dumber than a sack of hammers, I rule the world!"

"It's been done for god's sake!" Maddie, not helping...

"What do you mean it's been done?" Damn it. She knows how easily his ego is fractured.

"Well then I'll come up with something else! Even better and more evil!"

"Tilly,what do you think? You are the smartest one here...well, except for Stewie of course." Stewie just glared at her and since he was brandishing a jackhammer, Maddie complied with him.

"Alright. My suggestion is that we hide out here for a few days. Maddie, can you get us food?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay. And then, once the manhunt dies down, we run for it and head to the airport, then we fly away to Costa Rica or something."

"Why Costa Rica?"

"It's a cliche."

"There isn't a manhunt. No one's even looking for you." Stewie.

"YES THERE IS!!" Of course there's a manhunt. We're wanted criminals!

Maddie's POV

"Tilly, relax. We'll make sure..." Someone's banging on the door.

"Maddie...Maddie...are you there?" Mom? What does she want?

"Quick, hide!" They all ducked (except Uncle Chris, who hid behind the couch and I can still see his arse.) I opened the door.

"Mom? What do you want?"

"I just heard. Chris and Tilly have escaped from prison!"

"Really?" I tried my best to sound surprised but Mom looked at me funny.

"Wait a minute...you never come in here. And why are you watching the Tenacious D movie? You hate Tenacious D."

"Um...well...I thought since it's Dad's favourite movie, I should check it out."

"OKAY I CONFESS! WE'RE HIDING IN HERE!" Damn it Uncle, I had it covered! Why did you have to bust your fat arse out?

"Chris? Tilly? I...I...I don't know what to say."

"Good. We'll talk, you listen. Dad got busted when he left heroin in his car. Then CJ and I tried to steal a car to go after him, but we got busted as well. Then they let Dad out to get cash to pay the guy who's car we trashed, so I ran out too and since then we've been on the run."

"Wait. You mean the cops just let you both out?"

"It's a plot hole Aunt Meg. They are everywhere in these fanfiction stories."

"Wait. This one's written by...amateurs?"

"Yeah. Nerds with nothing else in their lives. On the show, you're still a teenager and you've never even met Uncle Zack. Me and Tilly don't even exist."

"I'm gonna talk to a professional about this!" Aunt Meg runs into the camera (if there had been one) but before she goes anywhere she's carried back in a bag with two big guys wearing uniforms saying "Fourth Wall Police".

"So tell me. I never had sex with Jillian?"

"This isn't the time to debate reality. Point is, we better get you out of here."

The shed is then surrounded by sirens.

"Freeze fugitives! We will send in our top negotiators. Until then, hostages, stay calm."

"H-hostages?" How were we hostages?

"That's right honey, you're safe now." Dad? What's he doing here?

"Zack? What are you doing?"

"When I got back I saw you weren't there, and I remembered that your wanker of a brother got arrested and escaped. So I called the cops to see if they knew...but they sent in the entire SWAT team and even the Hostage Rescue Squad."

"Anything to show up that fat ass who escaped...I mean anything for you, Zack." There's Joe again.

"This is all my fault. I'm going out there!"

"Dad! No!"

"I have to do this Tilly. Meg, if they shoot me, look after Tilly and the other kid. Maddie, I never thought I'd share blood with a hot chick. Stewie..." Doesn't he have anything to say to his only brother? Well I guess they were kind of messed up...

(Flashback)

Maddie imagines Stewie and Chris playing "got your nose" before Meg interjects.

(End Flashback)

"Maddie, we don't have time."

"I'm going out." Uncle Chris took a deep breath and stepped out. The cops surrounded him.

"Freeze, dirtbag! Drop your weapons!"

"Where? I didn't realise I had any weapons. Where are they?"

"No time for chitchat. You're going away for a long time."

The cops handcuff Uncle Chris and put him in a car.

Tilly's POV

Oh my God. Dad got taken away! And since he escaped he may go to jail forever! I can't let Dad go to jail, they'll murder him!

(Flashback)

Chris is in the shower in prison.

"Oooh, podgy. Me like."

"I'm gonna get me some of that. Drop the soap!"

They all start chanting at Chris "Drop the soap! Drop the soap!"

(End Flashback)

I have to step up now. And for real.

"You can't take my Dad away!"

"Now calm down little girl, you'll still get to visit your lowlife Dad."

"He's not a lowlife!" Everyone's now looking at me.

"Sure, he's a bit slow and he's a drug dealer. But without drug dealers, we wouldn't have drugs. And without drugs, we wouldn't have..."

"Anarchy!"

"Hippies!" Damn cops.

"No, we wouldn't have society! Our whole society is founded on drugs. George Washington? Everyone knows he loved his weed. Ben Franklin? That guy's gonna need a lot of painkillers after being electrocuted through his kite."

"Wait. Who's she talking about? Sigh. Don't these cops know history? Time for a different tactic.

"What about the Muslims? They don't allow drugs. Do you want to be terrorists?"

"Um...no."

"Or the Chinese? They banned all drugs that don't contribute to Communism. Do you want to be a Commie?"

"No!"

"Or the French! They love cigarettes, but they have strict anti-drug laws! Do you cops, the epitome of America manhood, want to be...Frenchmen?'

"NO!"

"Then if you want to be true American men, you'll let my Dad go!"

"YEAH!"

The cops let the cuffs off my Dad.

Dad and I are watching The Simpsons on the couch.

"Hi, I'm looking for a woman. Her first name's Amanda, last name Huggenkiss. You got her?"

"Amanda Huggenkiss? I need Amanda Huggenkiss!"

All the barflies laughed, and so did Dad and I.

"It's good that you're okay, Dad. I don't want you going to prison."

"And from now on, I promise to be more careful with my stuff."

"I love you Dad." They both hug.

"Hey, where's CJ?"

"Probably still in his cell."

(Cutaway)

The cops all return to the station, but when they check on the people in cells CJ isn't there. "Hey, where'd the Griffin kid go?" They enter his cell and see a Transformers poster with Megan Fox.

"Oh come on, not another Shawshank Redemption escape."

"No, I think he just got out through the window." The window has no bars at all and is wide open.

"We have to upgarde security around here."

CJ is out on the street. "And now, I start life on the run!" He holds his arms up in a victory pose.

(End Cutaway).

"You know, there's one other thing I don't understand."

"What?"

"How did the cops find us so quickly when Meg was only in the shed for a few minutes?" That cliched "dun-dun-dun" music plays.

"Don't know, don't care."

"You're right. Let's just watch TV."

And so me and Dad are together again. Nothing can break us apart...until I get a boyfriend and elope.


	5. The Party

Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy or any Family Guy characters, Maddie, Tilly or CJ. I also don't own My Super Sweet 16 or anything on MTV or any other references, yadda yadda yadda.

Author's Note 1: While all the characters are American, I occasionally have them use slang more common to Australia and New Zealand, where I live. For example, they say arse instead of ass.

I also thought I'd describe how the teenage characters look. All older characters are as they are on the show or (in the case of Zack) as Malcolm Fox described them.

Maddie: Long blonde hair, athletic build, she always wears a white Foo Fighters T-Shirt and full-length jeans.

Tilly: Emo cliche; short black hair with a fringe, black T-shirt, jacket and skinny black jeans.

CJ: Stoner cliche; long blond hair, Black Sabbath T-shirt and faded old jeans.

Also this chapter has quite a bit of profanity, so the sensitive may want to avoid it.

Maddie's POV

Friday. That means one thing. Freedom. No school for two beautiful days. And the best part? Mom and Dad are away this weekend. That means...

"You're going to have a party?" What would you do if you were in my situation, Tilly?

"Yeah, why not? I mean we haven't gone to a party since that time at Quagmire's house."

(Flashback)

Maddie and Tilly are at a party at Quagmire's house. Quagmire comes up to them.

"Hey, you girls want anything more to drink?" Both of them look like they've had a few.

"Um...no."

"Please? I got you some." Quagmire holds out two midoris.

"No thanks Quagmire, we've had plenty."

"Okay then." Quagmire walks away but as he does, he has a sip of one drink and passes out.

(End Flashback)

"That was actually a pretty cool party."

"Yeah it was. But I'm gonna top that. I'm gonna have the biggest party in the history of Quahog!"

"But you're not that rich."

The girls are approached by a cameraman.

"Excuse me, have you seen Madeline Murdock?"

"That's me."

"Awesome! We're with the MTV program My Super Sweet 16, and we received your application to have your Sweet 16 televised."

"Um, just a minute please?" What does Tilly want with me? She better not ask...

"Maddie, there's one small problem. YOU'RE NOT 16 FOR THREE MONTHS!!"

"Semantics. The point is, we get to have a kick-arse party, I become the coolest girl in school and Jason will ask me out!"

"You do know they'll run a background check on you."

"They will? I didn't think about that!" Sarcasm. Of course I did! That's why I got Stewie to help.

(Flashback)

Stewie is on his computer. He hacks into the Social Security database.

"Okay, Madeline Mary Ann Murdock. Birthdate August 6, 1992. Social Security number 4352637400 (I have no idea how many digits Social Security numbers have). Time to make a few adjustments." Stewie types in more codes until Maddie's new birthdate is June 19. He then changes her criminal record from clean to escaped murderer.

(End Flashback)

"Maddie, there is no f-cking way they'll let you get away with this."

"Sure they will! How will they know?"

"Alright. You are inviting me, right?"

"Of course I will, you're my best friend! I'm not inviting CJ though."

"Meh. He's got plans anyway."

(Cutaway)

CJ (and a bunch of other stoners) are sitting around in CJ's basement smoking weed and watching porn.

"Dude. That chick has really nice tits."

"They're fake."

"No, those are fake."

(End Cutaway).

"Who else are you inviting?"

"Everyone."

"Sh-t Maddie, there's about a thousand people in the school! There's no way they'll all fit in your house."

"Damn it Tilly, can you stop trying to poke holes in my plan and just go with it?"

"All right, whatever. I guess I am invited."

"That's the spirit!" Time to go back to the camera men.

"Yes, I am Madeline Murdock."

"Great! Now, who's coming to your party?"

"Um...everyone?"

"No, no, no! That's not how it works. You have to only invite the cool people! Otherwise..."

"Otherwise what?"

"It just isn't right." The cameraman looks at Tilly. "You're not inviting her, are you?"

"Yes I was!"

"No you're not. You want to have an awesome party?"

"Yes."

"You ever seen emos at an awesome party?"

"No."

"Good. Amy Lee wannabe is OUT!"

"But...Tilly's my cousin! And my best friend!"

"If she's really your friend, she'll understand." That makes sense. Sort of.

"Tilly, I'm sorry..."

"That's OK. I'll go now."

She walked away. I felt sorry...but we're cousins and best friends. She'll get it.

Tilly's POV

What the f-ck? Who does that bitch think she is? Best friend indeed! She's going down.

"Hey Stewie. Did you do some stuff for Maddie? Adjusting her birthdate and the like?"

"Yes, I did. I also said she was a escaped murderer."

"Good, we can use that."

"Use it for what?"

"That bitch didn't invite me to her party!"

"Oh, stop your whining."

"She's not going to invite you too. You're not cool enough."

"Well, we'll see about that." He saunters over and tries to chat up the director guy.

One minute later...

"You're right. She's going down."

"I know just how." They huddle together and whisper.

Maddie's POV

This rocks! I get to be queen of the school. By now everyone knows that my party is going to be on My Super Sweet 16! I am so cool...time to meet the masses and see who's worthy.

"You're not worthy...you're not worthy...ewwww, definitely not worthy." When will all these creeps and nerds learn? This party is for the cool people! Hey, there's Jason. I'm going to get him...f-ck it! The bell rang and we have to get to class.

"Oh, you're not going to class."

"I'm not?"

"No, we've got to plan your party! You've been excused from all lessons."

"Sweet!"

We're standing out in the backyard of our house.

"Okay, so you said you want a Rock and Roll theme party?"

"Yes. Who can you book to pay?"

"Depends on how much you're willing to pay."

Only one place to go. I ran as fast as I could to Dad's office.

"Daddy?"

"Yes honey, what is it?"

"You know how it's my birthday in a couple of months?"

"If this is about your car, I'm not buying you anything brand new with a shiny badge. I'm not going to let you become a spoilt brat."

"No Daddy, it's just that...I heard Red Hot Chili Peppers are in Quahog performing then and they have a free night and it would mean sooooo much to me if you could have them play at my party! Pleeeeeease?"

"Oh...all right. If it doesn't cost too much."

"Thanks!"

"Who do I speak to?"

"Um...call this number." I gave Dad the MTV guy's card. They'll know how to handle it.

"Okay, so what are you getting for your birthday?"

"Well, Dad said he'd get me a second hand Toyota or something..."

"Hell to that! You're a princess. A princess needs appropriate transport. No, I know where we're gonna take you..."

We wound up at Quahog's Porsche dealership.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Look, does your daddy love you?"

"I think so."

"Then he won't mind us charging a Porsche on his card." The salesman came up to us.

"So, you buying a car today?"

"Of course we're buying a car. What, you thought we'd come here to jerk off?"

"No, it's just that with the world economic and fuel crises we haven't sold much lately. Especially not to sixteen year old girls."

"Nuts to that. We want the top of the line."

"Well, we have the GT2, but that's way too powerful for a young girl..."

"We'll take it."

The salesman sighs. Arsehole. "Okay, but you'll have to wait about a year for delivery."

"What part of "We want it now" do you not understand?"

"Alright, but you have to pay more..."

"Done and done." He signed the forms.

"Enjoy your car, madam." As we walked away I heard him mutter "Maniac..." f-ck him. I'm getting a Porsche! I'm getting a Porsche!

Today's the day! The day of my not-birthday birthday party! Mom and Dad came into my room in the morning just after I woke up.

"We'll be leaving for Paris in an hour. Bye sweetheart. Look after yourself and NO PARTIES." Wow. Mum's laying down the law. Too bad I don't listen.

"Your mother's right, Maddie. I didn't have that MTV guy book the Chilies just so you can ruin our trust in you." Dad leans into me. "Do you reckon we can have them play Suck My Kiss?"

"I don't know Dad. Love you, bye." I tried to sound like I just wanted to go back to sleep...nothing could be further from the truth. I looked out the window...time for my plan to be put into action!

That whole day was just a whirlwind. From getting my dress, to making sure my car was there, to all the final details...everything had to be perfect.

At about 7:00, all my invitees arrived. It was a small group; only the 30 or 40 coolest people were invited, But I didn't want the losers ruining everything anyway.

"So, birthday girl! You ready for the big moment?" Dave the producer guy came up to me. He was wearing his toothpaste ad grin as usual.

"Um...I guess so."

"Well, that's great. Listen, we have to go for a few minutes, you know, make sure all the equipment is ready for the guys to come perform."

"You got the Chilies?"

"The only ones." He patted me on the back. "We'll bring everything back in the truck when we're done in a bit."

At 7:30 they still hadn't returned and I was getting nervous. What if the truck had crashed? Or the band hadn't shown up? I thought of calling Dave, but then I realised I never got his phone number or any other details of his, cause I'd left the card in Dad's office.

My guests were also getting a bit grumpy; there were calls of "Where are the Chilies?", "We Want Music!" and "Where's The Party?" I thought of going inside but first I decided to go have a look at my car.

It was gone.

My beautiful, gunmetal-grey Porsche GT2, was...gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be seen. And I was worried. Who could have stolen it? I decided now was the time to find Dave's number and call him, so I ran into Dad's office and got the card, then dialled the cellphone number on it.

"Hello."

"Dave, this is Maddie Murdock. My car's disappeared, it's almost 8:00, where are you guys? And where are the Chilies?"

He paused for one second and started laughing.

"The...Chilies! Where...are...we!"

"What's so funny?"

"Kid, don't you get it? We did ya. We got your dad's credit card details, we bought a Porsche, diamonds...it wasn't for you, you bitch! This is ours, baby."

"You can't do that! My grandfather's neighbour is a cop. He'll bust you guys."

"He can try, but what will you tell him?"

"Um..."

"What's my name, little girl?"

"Dave."

"Yeah, Dave what? Dave Grohl? Dave Mustaine? How many f-cking Daves do you think there are? You don't know us, you ain't got nothing on us and as far as we're concerned you ain't stopping us, bitch." He hung up.

Oh...My...God. I've been played. Well and truly played. Well, we can still have fun, right? I mean, everyone's...leaving?

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"Out of here." Francesca Castell, the cheerleading captain. "We knew your party would suck anyway."

"No...wait..."

"Sorry Maddie, it's just that it became...boring." Jason. My love. Why must you speak these horrible words?

No time to think about it. My cellphone's ringing. Oh sh-t. Mum and Dad.

"Hi Mum, what's up?"

"I've got a funny story for you." Mum. And she's mad. "We just tried to check into our hotel but for some reason, our credit cards were all maxed out. Since your Dad just paid them off, we became suspicious. After a short check, we realised that someone had bought a marquee tent, a Porsche, a 10 000 dollar dress and several other charges had been made to the account. Can you explain these, Madeline?" Oh no. I'm only Madeline when she's mad at me.

"Well Mom, I'd be happy to talk when you get back."

"That's good. Because we're coming back."

"What?"

"Well since our credit cards are totally maxed out, we can't stay here as we only have so much cash. So we're at Paris Airport about to board a flight for Boston. We should be back in a few hours. I suggest you use that time to come up with an explanation." She hung up.

I've never been in so much trouble. Ever. My parents are about to kill me and probably with good reason, my chance to be in the cool crowd has evaporated, my friends have left me and all I have left is this stupid dress. I hate this.

Wait. There come Tilly and Stewie! They're my friends. They'll understand. They'll help.

"Hey guys, as you can see it's been a total flop."

"Glad to see it." Wow. Stewie still holds a grudge. Tilly will be cool though...

"No I won't." What?

"You saw your chance to be in with the cool crowd, so you acted like a bitch. Now that you're even less cool than before, you think you can come crying back? I don't think so. Later, bitch." She walked away but then turned around. "By the way, I forgot this." She grabbed a handful of mud and smeared it down my 10 000 Armani dress.

My life is over. I've lost my friends, my dad's money, any popularity I may have had. How could everything go from so good to so bad in the space of days?


	6. Damage ControlAnd Some Arse Kicking

Maddie's POV

Alright. I have three hours to set this straight. Dad's gonna kill me, Mum's gonna help him and my friends don't want to help me. What do I do? What do I do?

Well, the best way may be to start by apologising to Tilly and Stewie. I checked on my computer.

Boyz4MenDevils online

UmbrellaxxAcademy online

Okay, how do I put this? "I'm sorry for what I did and I hope we can be friends again?" Nah, too cliche. "I did what I thought I had to do but I regret it and I'm sorry?" No, not sorry enough. Wait.

I typed in "I never should have started this whole mess. I'm really sorry to both of you and I can understand why you hate me right now. But I really need your help." and sent it to both of them. Then I sat and waited.

UmbrellaxxAcademy Of course I forgive you. You're my best friend!

Boyz4MenDevils I guess. I mean if Tilly says so we have to, though I still think you did a very bad thing to us and that it will live on in our subconscious for...

UmbrellzxxAcademy ALL RIGHT WE GET IT! At least she had the guts to apologise. I don't remember you're apology when you broke my solar system model!

Boyz4MenDevils I was merely demonstrating the shoddy workmanship and inaccurate scaling! Now if it had been mine...

AngelFire76 You guys DO remember I'm here, right?

UmbrellaxxAcademy Yeah, or at least I do. So what do you need?

AngelFire76 A way to solve this whole mess in three hours.

Boyz4MenDevils Right. Um...um...I got nothing. Unless you plan to kill your mum, in which case I have plenty of ideas. Now this plot to have her shot in the kneecaps and bleed to death was intended for Lois, but I can spare it for you.

UmbrellaxxAcademy She doesn't need to kill her mum! Maddie, just tell Aunt Meg and Uncle Zack you're sorry and that you didn't realise you had been tricked into spending their money and they'll understand.

AngelFire76 Yeah, then they'll get mad at me for having a party. Stewie, can you hack the credit card database and return the money?

Boyz4MenDevils No, sorry. I tried it once. Credit card databases are way beyond my ability.

AngelFire76 You hacked the Social Security website for Christ's sake!

Boyz4MenDevils Well duh, it's the government. Of course it's gonna be crap.

Three Hours Later...

UmbrellaxxAcademy Come on Stewie, everyone knows you didn't get 200 on an IQ test!

AngelFire76 We all saw that. You made the 1 into a 2.

Boyz4MenDevils What the deuce are you talking about? You're just jealous cause I beat all of you.

Oh my God. The door. It just opened. And for the past three hours I've been sitting here IMing Tilly and Stewie without doing any damage control! I'm screwed...

"MADELINE!!" Dad is pissed. And I mean pissed.

"What...the...bloody...hell...have...you...done? You've maxed out my entire credit card! And after I just paid it! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"It wasn't me I swear! I was tricked!" I started to cry. Part of it was an attempt to show Dad I really was sorry, but another part of it was simply my way of releasing my emotions. I hated myself for doing it though. I haven't cried in years.

"Did they point a gun at your head and force you to hand over my card details?"

"No."

"Did they say they would kill your family if you didn't tell them?"

"No."

"So what did they do, Madeline?"

"Um..." Tell the truth? Should I lie? No, they'll find out and I'll be in even worse sh-t.

"Um...you see Dad, I'd applied to be on an MTV show that televises your sixteenth birthday party..."

"You did not apply for My Super Sweet 16."

"Um...yeah I did."

"Oh...my...god..." Mom looks like she's about to faint.

"Do you have any idea about your Mom's issues with that show?"

"No. Why would Mom have issues with a TV show?"

"Now's not the time. Anyway, so you entered the lottery. Then what happened?"

"Yesterday at school, some guys who said they were from MTV approached me and said that my application had been accepted."

"But why now? Your birthday isn't for another two months."

"I'd lied about my birthday on the application." I didn't want Stewie to get into trouble...mostly cause I'm scared he'll use one of his crazy gadgets on me. And because he's my friend and uncle too.

Dad breathed in deeply. "So you lied about your birthday. You gave away my credit card...can I assume that it has something to do with you asking me to book the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play at your birthday?"

"Yes."

"And these guys ran up a huge bill on my card and ran off with a Porsche, diamonds and all the other stuff?"

"Yeah."

Mom interjects. "Maddie, has Grandpa ever taught you anything?"

"How to fart through my mouth? And I've never used it."

"No, that this is the lamest TV plot ever and you totally fell for it. I'm ashamed of you. Like I was ashamed of your dad's attempt to learn to surf."

(Flashback)

The Griffins and Zack (this is soon after Maddie is born) are at the beach. Zack is lying on a surfboard.

"Okay Zack, now get into a push up position." Peter is giving him orders and standing over him. Zack follows his advice.

"Okay, now get your ass into the water."

"What? You haven't even told me what to do! Of all the..." he is interrupted by Peter and Brian picking his board up and carrying him into the water. They dumped him just off the shoreline, where he is carried out by the undertow and out into the waves. He tries to stand up but falls off and is dragged out into the ocean.

"PEEEETTTttter!!""

(End Flashback)

"Just as well he caught the right current back."

"Meg, this isn't the time." Dad glared at me. "Did any of these men give you their names?"

"Um...yeah, the main guy did. His name was Dave."

"Maddie, there are so many people named Dave. You can't tell me that's all you got..."

"Wait. Did he have short brown hair?" How does that help, Dad?

"Yeah."

"Fat guy?"

"Yeah."

"Talk like the lovechild of an Italian and a redneck?"

"Yeah. Wait. You know him?"

"I damn sure do. He's the son of a bitch who I fired a few weeks ago!"

(Flashback)

Zack is in his office with Dave, wearing an overall with Murdock Auto signage.

"Dave, I've noticed that since I kept you in charge of the safe, a lot of cash has disappeared."

"Well you see boss..."

"I don't want to know. I won't press charges, but you're fired. Hand in your overalls."

Dave takes off his overalls and leaves a gun on the desk.

"I didn't give you a gun."

"Oh. Yeah. Wait, this is mine." He takes the gun and walks out of Zack's office. "And if you don't watch yourself, Zack Murdock, you'll be seeing it again," he mumbles.

(End Flashback)

"Maddie, how did you let yourself get fooled by that idiot?" Mom, you would have too.

"I don't know! He had all the right ID and stuff." Which I didn't check.

"Well, Maddie may have made a mistake, but Dave's going down. I'll deal with him. Meg, you punish Maddie." Dad's going out.

"Where are you going?"

"To teach a former employee what happens when you mess with Zack Murdock."

Zack's POV

Who does that SOB think he is? Grow some balls you f-cking c--t...take me on, OK, but mess with my daughter and you're f-cked. I dialled the number on the business card Maddie had received.

"MTV Productions." Better keep the act up, huh Dave? So should I.

"Um...I got transferred here by MTV. They said to call here to enter my daughter for..." sh-t, what's on MTV these days? "Next."

"Alright." Good, he was confused.

"Ok, so what happens now?"

"Um...send your daughter's photos to MTV and they'll get back to me."

"Alright." I hung up. The little tracker I'd put on Maddie's phone some weeks ago without her realising had been switched to my phone. Thank you, CIA surplus sale. Apparently Dave's calling from a warehouse out in West Quahog. Good place for a queer like him to hang out. Time to go kick some arse...oh sh-t. Guess who has to show his fat arse now of all times.

"Peter, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I heard it was Maddie's birthday! I thought her grandpa should come to her party."

"Peter, it wasn't Maddie's birthday. She lied to get on MTV. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some arse-kicking to do."

"Sweet! Can I come?"

"No, you can't come."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?" If I don't give in he'll come anyway and drive me nuts.

"Oh, fine then. Just do what I tell you and NOTHING else."

"Sweet!"

After two toilet breaks, three stops at Burger King and four visits to strip clubs (the last of which happened to be a gay bar), we finally made it to the warehouse where I'd tracked Dave's call.

"Alright Peter, just sit your fat arse in here while I go and kick some even fatter arse."

"Awwwww, can't I come?"

"No."

"Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?"

"Hey look, naked chicks giving out free beer!"

"Where?" Thank you, really old and lame distraction. Let's check gear. Shotgun? Check. Knife? Check. Patented Murdock right uppercut? Check. Time to kick some redneck wog arse.

As Zack runs to the fence, Storm The Gate by Tenacious D plays. He vaults over the fence, scrambles through the bush, when a guard dog comes at him he throws a smoke capsule then he runs and kicks a window of the building in...before looking to his left and realising he could have just walked up the path and through the open door.

"Well, that's an anticlimax."

"Damn right it is." There's that son of a bitch!

"Guess who, boss?"

"I'm not your boss anymore, you son of a bitch."

"Oh. Yeah. I got a new job now. Working for MTV. And it's a good one too. How'd you like to see what I've earned?"

"Over...my...dead...body." He's got me in a chokehold.

"Well, you don't have much choice cause if you don't, I'll just kill you now."

"And if I do?"

"I'll let you make one last phone call to your wife and daughter."

Bastard. I'll get him close and then...

"Okay." He walked into the warehouse and I followed. A couple of his sidekicks followed. I recognised them as Chuck and Roy, two other former employees of mine who I fired for doing the shttiest work possible.

"This is the Porsche I bought with your money. Don't you like..." Make my move. I jumped on his back and grabbed my knife and stuck it at his throat.

"You can max out my credit cards to buy a Porsche, ruin my sex trip to Paris, even pretend to be with the worst show known to man. But you mess with my daughter, you're gonna end up worse off than a housewife from Alabama. YOU JUST FCKED WITH THE WRONG LONG HAIRED DAD!"

"Pattern baldness."

"No it isn't! It's..." Oh who am I kidding? I am going bald...but this motherfcker can't tell me so!

"Zack!" Huh? Meg? What's she doing here?"

"Don't worry Zack, we're gonna save ya." Oh Jesus. Peter. Now I'm totally fcked...

Meg's POV

An hour later everyone is sitting on the familiar couch in the Griffins home. Zack is worse for wear, but everyone else is fine.

"Wow Dad, I never knew you were such a good shot."

"It's nothing. I used to practice on targets of you."

"You're asking for a kick in the guts you fat SOB."

"Hey I just saved your arse..." Just like old times. Dad and Zack arguing. Wait. I grounded Maddie, but what's she doing while we're not there?

Cutaway to Maddie having a real party, with all her friends including Tilly, Stewie and CJ.


	7. This Is Spinal Maddie

Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or any Family Guy characters, nor do I own Zack, Maddie, CJ or Tilly. I do own all other side characters though.

I also don't own any other pop culture references or songs that feature in this chapter or are either referenced to or alluded. FYI, anyone who can tell which band I stole the other band members' (except CJ) names from gets my infinite respect. Hint; it's the same as their roles.

If you read, please review.

Maddie's POV

What a weekend. All I can say is that I hope I can chill for a bit...but I know someone who isn't going to be doing any chilling. Here's Tilly and CJ.

"You guys got the stuff?"

"Catapult and pie?"

"Bingo." I snuck over to Francesca's locker and opened it. Thank God for easily manipulated computerised locks. Then I fitted the catapult and stuck the pie on the end.

"Cassandra to Ivy, Cassandra to Ivy. Taki is entering the room." Sh-t. Better work faster. I wound the catapult back so that it would flip the pie in her face when she opened the door, then I quickly shut it. She came up with her sidekicks. As usual. It's such a cliche.

"What are you hanging around here for, bitch? At least your party sucked as I knew, of course. I just came to laugh."

"It sucked more than you do." Oh wow Brandi, is that the smartest thing you've ever said? They all laugh. B-tches. At least she'll get her comeuppance...

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Now. Oh my God...she's covered in the pie! This one is awesome. One of my best. Almost as good as that time in middle school when I covered that b-tch Olivia in cottage cheese. The Prank Queen still lives.

(As Maddie leaves the locker room, Original Prankster by the Offspring plays).

Yep. Chemistry first. Practical. Why's that good? Because today I am Jason's lab partner! His normal partner is away and Tilly has to go for an orthodontist appointment...God if you exist and you love me you'll make sure me and Jason are partners.

"Maddie! Maddie!" Crap. What does CJ want from me?

"Maddie..." He's out of breath. He is so his fathers son. I hope for his sake Tilly takes after their mom. She ditched them when we were about 2...I'd guess she was really smart and realised her boyfriend was a total idiot.

"Spill it dipsh-t. What do you want?"

"Maddie...me and the guys are starting a band."

"And I care about this why?"

"We need a bass player." I know where this is going..."And since you're my cousin and all, I hoped you'd do it."

"Yeah. Nothing in a million years would convince me to go in a band with you and your sh-thead mates."

"Please?"

"No. Now piss off."

"Please?"

"NO!!"

"Alright." He slinks away before returning. "Please?" I guess one session wouldn't kill me...

"Okay. But on one condition. You have to make it clear to all your mates that I am not now, or ever, going to have sex with any of them."

"Can you have sex with me?"

"I'm your cousin, you idiot!"

"So? Everyone's having sex with family. It's the new oral."

"No it isn't. Where in the name of God did you get that idea?"

"I don't know. So will you?"

"Hell no! But I will play in your band."

Afternoon drew around, and so far this day has sucked. I didn't get Jason as my lab partner because Mr Mackey thought we could handle it alone for one day, Francesca guessed I rigged the pie in her locker and now all her sidekicks are throwing pie at me (it's gonna take years to get it out of my hair) and to cap it all, Tilly got the day off after she needed to have her braces removed. Let's hope jamming with CJ's band will help...

"Oh my God we actually have a girl down here!" Damn it dumb arse, didn't I make it clear to you to tell your mates I'm not available? "And she smells of pie!" I need a shower so bad, but since CJ's basement stinks anyway it doesn't matter.

"Lee, Thurston, chill out. That's my cousin Maddie."

"So? Family is the new oral." Where do these guys get their ideas?

"No, she's our bassist."

"You're kidding right?" CJ's drummer. Scarily, he's the smartest of the bunch. "I mean, we can't have a girl in our band! Who are we, Bikini Kill?"

"Come on guys. Having a chick in our band will be awesome. We'll get a load of girls at our shows who come for Maddie, and leave with us."

"Okay, but can she play?"

"Why don't you retards see for yourselves?" I plugged in my bass and started jamming. After about five minutes where I did nothing, the drummer started banging along. That was the cue for the guitars to kick in, and CJ (with Ozzy Osbourne glasses) started vocalising. Unbelievably, he's pretty good.

"Okay, I think we've got a band. Which is good, cause we play a show tomorrow."

"WHAT? We haven't learned any songs?"

"Which is why we're gonna practice until we learn one." Great. So much for a shower.

After hours of torturous practice and trying to write lyrics (which is harder than it seems when your entire band are idiots), we finally managed to write a song. Unfortunately its 3 am and I need to sleep...

"Maddie...Maddie...Maddie..."

"Dude, she is _so_ hot while she's sleeping."

"I heard that." I woke up. I had somehow managed to fall asleep on CJ's couch.

"We got to get to school. It's 9 am and we're already late." Tilly?

"Yeah, I braved it down here. Lee hit on me as usual but I can bear it."

"Let's go." I got up before realising I was in my bra.

"Okay which little maggot stole my shirt?"

"It's OK, I got it. CJ was holding it."

"He's doing a good job of keeping his pervy mates away from me."

"Meh. It's just his idea about family being the new oral or some sh-t like that."

"Where does he get his ideas from?"

"Don't ask. I remember what happened when I tried to find out."

(Flashback)

Tilly sneaks into CJ's room while he is sleeping. She shrinks herself using a shrink ray she stole from Stewie (the ray has "Property Of Stewie Griffin" written on it) and then climbs into CJ's head. After she exits the ear, she doesn't see the brain anywhere.

"It must be somewhere here...AAAAAH!" She fell off the edge of the ear and into a giant swirling vortex.

"So that's where my TV remote got to!"

(End Flashback)

School was hell as usual. Maybe I could write a song about that?

I'm here, back in our 9 to 3 communal jail

Die inside, locked inside our 9 to 3 communal jail...

Nice start. Save it for later. Here's Nozzy and the Retards.

"You got your stuff?"

"Yeah. How are we getting there?"

"Dad's driving the van." Uncle Chris was indeed parked outside.

"Hurry up guys, I got to make a sale."

Even though Uncle Chris drives like he is drunk most of the time, somehow we managed to get to the place where we were supposed to be playing. Only it was...

"A strip club? A freaking strip club? That wasn't part of the deal!"

"It was this or a four year old's birthday party. What would you have chosen?" Tilly, back me up here...

"But...come on! You're the big time feminist here."

"I just want to get rid of CJ for a while so I can get stuff done for a change, okay?"

"What the hell are you planning?"

(Cutaway)

Tilly is sitting in her room with chemistry equipment.

"Okay, so I have the necessary formula range for my synthetic petrol. Now I just have to adjust the...Oh my God that new Fall Out Boy video is on!" Her attention is now focused on the TV, but she doesn't realise that she set her desk on fire until she turns around.

"Noooooooooo!"

(End Cutaway)

"Never mind. Let's just get you guys set up so I can get back to what I was doing."

We crawled up the stairs, with Uncle Chris helping the boys get their equipment before being stopped by the bouncer.

"Sorry, you have to be 18 to enter. Even hot lesbians. You two ever gone the other way?"

"Listen you pervert, I'm in the band that's playing."

"No under 18s allowed unless supervised."

"Great. How are we going to get in?" The boys caught up with us. Finally.

"Lurch here won't let us in cause we're under 18."

"Is that all? I can fix that." What's he got up his sleeve...

"...Okay CJ, this is your dumbest idea yet."

"Come on! It always works on TV."

"Yeah, until the coat is pulled off." It's the old "stand on someone's shoulders in a trench coat and a moustache" trick. And it's lame. And I have to carry Lee on my shoulders, and he is heavy. Still, it's better than riding on them.

"You're thinking of riding me, aren't you?" Not in _that_ way, you perv. We staggered to the bouncer, CJ and Thurston first.

"No trench coats allowed."

"DAMN!"

He just laughed. "Kid, if you want to get in, you're going to have to do better." We left in defeat.

"We're supposed to be on stage in half an hour." Quit your whining, CJ.

"If only we knew someone who could get is in."

"Hey CJ, Peter's hot and slightly less hot grand daughters. What're you doing out here?" Just the person we need.

"Mr Quagmire? What are you doing here?" Jesus I didn't realise he was that dumb...but he always manages to surpass himself.

"I come here every day! So what brings you to Girl, Girl, Girl?"

"Our band's supposed to play, but we got Spinal Tapped."

"You mean some guy dressed up as a doctor and did stuff to your spine? Aren't you a bit young for that?"

"No, it's from This Is Spinal Tap. You know, the movie about the band that tours around America and has weird stuff happen to them?"

"Were there any chicks?"

"Couple of groupies."

"Then I don't remember it."

I sighed. "Now isn't the time to talk movies. Mr Quagmire, do you know a secret way into this place?"

"Sure!"

"Can you tell us where it is?"

"Only if you show me your secret way."

"Eew, gross!"

"I mean the secret way into your house! Goddamnit, why does everyone automatically assume I'm trying to talk dirty all the time? LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M A HUMAN!" (the last two sentences are Quagmire imitating Chris Crocker).

"O-kay." That was wierd. "Anyway, can you lead the way?"

Tilly's POV

Quagmire snuck us into the back of the club, which was the strippers' dressing room.

"I never thought I'd be trying so hard to get into a strip club." My thoughts exactly. But CJ is sniggering.

"What's so funny, turd?"

"Hehehe. You said hard. And we're in a strip club. Get it? We're claiming you're a boy."

"Oh, real smart." Eventually we got to the door which led right into the club.

"That was easier than I expected."

"What'd you think? There'd be some big maze which you had to crawl through and kick some ninja butt?"

"Um..yeah."

"God! Kids these days..." Quagmire may think like an old man, but he's still a perv at heart.

"What are you kids doing in here?" Some sleazy looking guy...must be the manager. I am so pissed...no more pulling punches.

"We're the band YOU booked. We've just snuck in through you're back room which smells of cheap perfume and shamelessness, and we have all our stuff. The least you can do is fcking let us play!"

"So you're the band? Why didn't you say so! Get up there." Finally we're gonna play!

"Since you were late you can only play one song, then take your pay and get outta here." I began to argue before Maddie reminded me that we can only play one song.

Okay that was one hell of a show. In five minutes, we managed to get our stuff set up, then rush through one three minute song. We have to get a good pay check out of this.

"Okay kids, here's your pay." WHAT! Autographed photos of strippers?

"Don't we get money?"

"I was going to pay you, but this young Ozzy you got here exchanged all your pay checks for autographed photos."

"CJ Griffin..." He is so dead once I get out of here.

"Hey honey, you ever considered stripping?" What? Maddie a stripper?

"I'm 15, you perv."

"So? We don't check. It's good money and you'd be perfect, with that whole bad, rocker chick vibe you got going on."

"Nothing and nobody could ever convince me to take my clothes off for drunk, horny men. Unless I was totally desperate for cash."

"Well, let me know before you pop out two kids and go to seed." He stared at me. "You too. With some new tits, we could have a real asset here."

"Come on Tilly, let's get out of here." We all got out of there, got in Dad's van and left that hole.

Author's Note: OK this is the first chapter about CJ, Maddie and Tilly's band. My question; should I write a few more chapters about the band, or save it for a separate story later?


	8. Tilly, Version 20

Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy or any Family Guy characters, I also don't own Maddie or Tilly, or KFC or any other corporations or anything else that pops up here that no one knows of.

Authors' Note: Sorry it's taking so long to write chapters, but I'm busy with other stuff. I'm also working on another fanfic for the CHERUB novels. If you're a CHERUB fan, check out CHERUB: Sons Of Patriots by me.

Tilly's POV

I couldn't stop thinking about what that strip club owner said to me. I know I shouldn't care, but when you make it to 15 without ever having a serious boyfriend, you seriously begin to wonder if something's wrong with you. You know? Maybe it's time for a new look. You know what? It is.

Maddie's POV

After all the excitement of the past week, I'm hoping for a normal day. Geography first, and just as well cause I actually did my homework for once.

"Hey Maddie."

"Tilly?" I turned around...but where was she?

"I got a new look." Wait, there she is...holy sh-t she looks different. She's washed all the dye out of her hair so now it's sort of dirty blonde. I haven't seen her like that since we were kids. Her glasses have gone...looks like she's got contacts. She's even dressing differently. Her old jacket, Used T-shirt and jeans have gone. She's wearing...a short skirt? The girl who once told me she'd never wear a skirt in her life? And an Abercrombie T-shirt? What's up with Tilly?

"Pretty cool, huh?"

"I don't know what to say." I don't.

"Yeah, I did some thinking last night and I decided that it's time to stop trying to be different."

"But you _are_ different. Most girls love Chris Brown and manicures. You love Weezer and biology class."

"Meh. Anyone can change."

"Yeah, but...you never change."

"Oh really? Well, little miss popular, maybe it's time I did." She stalked off. What's up with her? Well, no time to worry. I'm planning to have a nice long day of Jason-gazing, or at least I planned to when I entered class...only to see Tilly sitting next to him and flirting with him. That little bitch! How dare she? She knows Jason is my turf. Here she comes. She's going down...

"No, I wasn't flirting with Jason. He just asked me to help him with our homework." She may look different, but she can still read my mind.

"Look, Maddie, I've had the same look since middle school. I figured now was time for a change. You're my best friend, you should understand. After all, remember when you tried to change your look?"

(Flashback)

Maddie is working at KFC, at the counter. The Asian manager comes up to her.

"Murdock, I just don't think this is right for you."

"Please Mr Longwang, don't fire me."

"I won't, but you're working the streets today."

Cut to Maddie in a chicken costume, waving a sign advertising 3.99 Quarterpacks.

(End Flashback)

"That wasn't exactly my choice."

"Well, I'm choosing this."

Tilly's POV

I love the new me. Not only do I look good, I feel good. Plus, that hot guy behind me is seriously checking me out. Keep staring, honey. It's free in public...and in private.

"No, he's not looking at you." Damn it Maddie, must you read my mind all the time? "He's looking at Francesca, the queen bitch herself."

"At least that hasn't changed." She's coming over here.

"Well, pie girl. How does it feel to have pie permanently stuck in your hair?"

"Not bad, actually. If I need a snack, I can just take a bit out." Nice comeback, girlfriend!

"And it shows."

"Meh. At least I don't throw up after every meal." Meeeow! That's gotta hurt. I couldn't suppress my laughs any more.

"What are you laughing at, poser?" What? Poser?

"I'm more cool in one finger than you are in your entire body."

"Of course. Your one finger weighs more than my whole body."

"Excluding the stuffing inside your bra?" I've wanted to use that for ages.

"I'll have you know this chest," she lifts her tits up which causes all the boys in the cafeteria to faint, "is only what God gave me."

"God did make you able to throw up more than most. How much do you spend on dentists?" She's gone now. She can't come back from that.

"Oh yeah? Well listen here bitch, you're on. I bet you anything that I'm cooler than you."

"You can't measure cool. It's not like time or speed. Even if you could, how would you measure it?"

"Well..."

"I know how. We'd measure it in Tillys."

"That's not the point. And we'd measure it in Francescas. We're going to ask everyone in school who is cooler, you or me. Bitch," she hands Maddie a clipboard, "you're her tester. Brandi, you're mine. We meet back here tomorrow."

"You're on. What happens to the loser?"

"Loser and her partner have to go on a date with Fergus."

"Fergus, the nerd who runs the school upskirt website?"

"The very one."

"Deal." We shook hands and she left.

"Tilly, you can't do this. You've only been like this for a day. That bitch'll crucify you!"

"Relax, Maddie. I got it all under control." And I have. I'm finally gonna have a use for all those condoms Dad gave CJ for our 14th birthday which he never used.

Authors Note: Yeah, this one's a two parter.


	9. Mommy Dearest?

Disclaimer: Just see the one last chapter.

Tilly's POV

I can't believe I propositioned fifty boys. All to vote for me. Am I taking this too far?

"You are taking this waaaayyy too far, girlfriend." Thanks for the advice, Maddie.

"I mean, come on. You promised to sleep with forty boys, give nine oral and jump out of one birthday cake dressed as Lara Croft? All to beat that bitch? Isn't this going a bit far?"

"Relax, Madeline. Once they see her hairy vagina and fake plastic breasts, they aren't gonna do anything." I thought all gay guys knew of Brazilian wax jobs.

"Just drive us." Eventually Stewie pulled up by my house.

"Who's car is that?" There was a green Mercedes in the front yard.

"I don't know. Probably some rich guy buying off Dad." I climbed out of the Land Rover and headed inside, but I could hear screaming.

"...want a divorce now...its been fifteen years...I've raised the kids..."

"...it was always doomed...I need this...you're a lowlife bastard..."

What the hell is going on in there? I opened the door to find a blonde woman who looks ravaged by life standing in the hallway and arguing with Dad. She looks sort of familiar. Wait a minute. Divorce? Kids? Surely this isn't...

"Mom?" Oh great CJ, just stick your foot in your mouth as usual.

"See? Your own children barely know you!"

"Oh please. When they were babies, I did everything."

"No you didn't. Mom handled the kids. We started caring for them when they were two, then you ran off with some lawyer and left me to raise two kids on my own!"

"I tried to take them with me! They would have had a much better life with me instead of this town."

"Sis, they've forgotten about us, haven't they?" For once, CJ's on target.

"Yep. Come on, lets go. I'll fix us frozen pizza." We both wandered off in the direction of the kitchen but I was still confused. After more then ten years, our mother had re entered out lives. And with a bang. What could this mean to us?

Two Hours Later.

I was sitting in my room with Good Charlotte playing full blast.

"Lifestyles of the rich and famous

Always complaining

Always complaining..." When Dad stuck his head in my door.

"Baby, can you come down? We all need to talk." I switched the stereo off and headed downstairs to see Mom and CJ sitting on separate couches. Dad moved to another couch and I went next to him.

"Okay, we all need to talk. First off, do you all know each other?"

"Um...this is our mom, right?"

"And the kids are...what are your names again?" What? How could our own mother forget our names? I guess she was always busy...after all I did inherit my brains from her (how the hell could I have gotten them from Dad and Grandpa Peter?) right?

"I'm CJ and she's Tilly. But right now everyone at school is calling her the slut because she's sleeping with all the boys to win a popularity contest." Good one CJ. That's really gonna endear me to our smart mom.

"Just like I did in high school."

(Flashback)

Jillian (as she is on the show) is standing in the hallway of James Woods High. She is handing out badges that say Jillian Murdock for Class President (President is spelled Prezzydint)

"Vote for me?" she asks a nerdy looking boy

"Yeah, like I'd vote for the dumbest bitch in school. We need someone who can fight for us, who will stand up for us, not some dumb blonde who doesn't know how to spell President!"

"If you vote for me, I'll sleep with you."

"Now that's standing up for me!"

(End Flashback)

"I won that too! Unfortunately it wasn't Miss Rhode Island like I'd been told it was."

"We don't have the time." Dad's in a rush. " Basically, your mom came back today and said she wants a divorce from me."

"You got married? I thought you were 14 when you had us."

"After you were born we went to Utah."

"That explains it."

"Anyway, we got married and when you were both two we moved into an apartment in Asiantown. Your mom started stripping while I worked at a Chinese restaurant and got my first drug contacts."

"Wait. Mom was a stripper? Then where did I get my brains from?"

"Everyone's wondered that at some point." Dad regathered himself. "Back to where I was. Things went Ok for a while, then your mom ran off with some rich guy from New York. I moved back in with Mom and Dad- your grandparents- until business boomed and I got lucky, then we moved here. I didn't see or hear from your mom until today, when she came back, told me she was getting married again and she wants a divorce."

"You didn't get divorced?"

"Apparently not. It was supposed to be her job to get the papers, but she was too strung out to care!"

"Like you can talk. You're selling crack to every stripper in this town!"

I decided to interject. "So where do we fit in with this?"

"Most of what your Dad said is right. After I moved to New York, I shacked up with the guy who took me there before he dumped me for another mistress. Then I spent some years stripping and doing crack until I got caught. Because they were so surprised to find a white girl busted, they sentenced me to rehab where I met Jay, my fiance. We both got released, moved in together and now he wants to marry me but he doesn't realise I'm already married. I came back here to get a divorce."

"So what's the problem? Just get a divorce."

"Yeah, but your mom didn't figure on me becoming rich from the trade. She wants alimony and she also wants you."

"Us? But...why?" Why? She hasn't seen us in fifteen years and she comes back and wants us? What the fuck is she on?

"Basically she didn't realise that you had become great kids. Even you, CJ. I do the work, she wants the credit. Just like it always was."

"This isn't the time to debate child rearing," I interjected before they could start fighting again.

"I DON'T WANNA GO TO NEW YORK! I WANNA STAY HERE!" Jesus, bro, could you be any less subtle?

"I agree with CJ." God I never thought I'd say those words. "We're happy here. All our friends live here, we don't want to go to New York!"

"Well you see baby, the problem is because I'm a drug dealer, if this goes into a court your mom will get you both, all my money and I'll go to jail."

"I will?" Mom's eyes light up. "Now I want to go to court!"

"Didn't you figure that out?"

"I figured out that 2 plus 2 can make 22 yesterday." Thank God for recessive genes.

"Jillian, calm down. Basically, we're here to work out a compromise. If you want money, I can give you fifty thousand now and regular alimony of a hundred a week."

"I don't want your dirty money. I want my children."

"They're hardly your kids, are they? Who drove CJ to soccer and watched him fall over his own feet, who taught Tilly her times tables..."

"Dad, I did that myself. Remember?"

(Flashback)

Chris is sitting with a young Tilly at a table.

"Okay Tilly, what's five times three?"

"15."

"No, it's quack! And six times three is?"

Tilly just sighs and starts reading again.

"It's meow! MEOW!"

(End Flashback)

"Maybe, but they've still grown up around drugs. I don't think a judge will like that. Because I don't. And I know no one else will."

"Jillian, won't you let me settle this? I'll give you fifty, seventy five, even a hundred thousand if you want but I'm not letting you take the kids."

"Come on Chris." Their tones have both softened now. "Look, just let them come with me to New York for a weekend. Its Friday now. Or is it Tuesday? Or Saturday? All I know is that it's Sunday today, because the kids were at school."

"It's Thursday."

"Please? Let them come back with me and I'll return them in two days. They can choose if they want to stay with me or not."

Dad sighed. "Fine. Tilly, pack both your bags so CJ doesn't pack anything dumb like last time."

(Flashback)

The family (Chris, CJ, Tilly) are packing for Florida. Tilly is packing swimsuits and T-Shirts when CJ comes to her.

"Sis, should I pack these?" He's carrying sweaters, long sleeved T-shirts and basically a lot of cold weather clothes. Tilly is about to object before she imagines CJ with a parka in the Florida heat.

"Sure."

(End Flashback)

One Hour Later

Our bags are packed and we're about to leave. I sent Maddie an IM, but she was offline.

This has to be one of the weirdest days of our life. I've got massive sexual debts and my crack whore mum wants us to live with her. Sometimes I wish I was the dumb twin. Look at CJ. His whole world is crashing down upon him yet he's still blankly gazing into space like nothing's happened.

CJ's POV

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD...wait, I could really go for a hot dog right now. Not now. Too busy panicking. Wait a minute. That blonde chick with Dad's kind of hot...

"That's our mum, dumb arse."

"That's our mum? We haven't seen her in ages!"

"She came back this afternoon! God, how dumb are you?"

"MOMMY!" What would you do if your long lost mother reappeared? Go give her a hug, of course! I ran up and gave Mum a big hug.

"What just happened?"

"Meh. He has these moments where he forgets about everything cause his head can't fit it all. Just like his dad."

"I LOVE YOU MOMMY!"

"CJ, you're gonna be staying with your mother this weekend. Try not to forget where you are this time like you did at Disney World."

"I wasn't lost, I was just misplaced." God, don't they know the difference?

"At least it was easy to find you, since you were the only kid there with a parka."

Tilly's POV

Well, this is it. After more than ten years, we're going to stay with our Mom. Who knows what this could mean for me? For CJ? For Dad? For all of us? Actually, I don't know. But after this weekend, I will.

"OH MY GOD...Mom lives _here_?" What's he going on about...holy shit! This place is massive! It's like...hell, it is a palace!

"Yeah, your stepfather is rich." Looks like Mom at least has taste in men, if nothing else. We pulled up the driveway and to the front entrance, where a Mexican guy in a suit (now isn't that just a beautiful cliche?) opened the door.

"Senorita Jillian. Your bags?"

"My bags to our room. Take the kids bags to their rooms."

"Ah, these are the muchachos."

"OH MY GOD! ITS AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT!"

"I'm sorry for my brother. He is a bit thick at times. Plus he had an experience as a kid."

"No harm done." We walked into the house where we were greeted by a heavyset black man.

"You must be CJ and Tilly. I'm Jay, you mom's fiance." He grabbed my hand and shook it. Grip like a vice.

"MOM! THERE'S A BLACK GUY ROBBING THE HOUSE?" Goddamnit CJ, isn't one racial stereotype in five minutes enough?

"He's mentally retarded."

" No problem. I get that a lot. I may not play pro ball any more, but I still get my contract paid by the Jets."

"Wait a minute. You played for the Jets?"

"Yeah. Probably why no one recognises me out on the street."

"Figures."

"So, you guys wanna hit the pool? It's just been rebuilt with a water slide."

"I'M THERE!" CJ stripped down to his underwear and ran as fast as he could to the backyard...only to be brought back by another Mexican man.

"It seems young senor did not realise that the sprinkler system is not a water slide."

"Are they all illegal immigrants? If so, why don't you get them citizenship? Put some of that money..."

"You know what? I wanna hit the pool." Nice distraction. I might actually grow used to living here...

Sunday Evening, on the road to Quahog.

"Wow, those were three uneventful days." And they were. Most of the time we just spent hanging around the house with Mom and Jay, although one night we went out for dinner. But when we get back to Quahog, the big decision comes. Do we come back with Mom or stay with Dad?

"We're back." Mom pulled into our driveway, where Dad was waiting.

"How are you guys?"

"I'm fine Dad."

"Yeah. Mom's rich! And her boyfriend used to play for the Jets..."

"Wait. Did you say Jets?"

"Yeah."

"Meh, at least its not the Giants." Dad's never forgotten the 2008 Super Bowl where the Giants "stole" the title from his beloved Patriots.

"...and they've got a water slide!"

"That's great CJ. Come inside." Here it is. Crunch time. We all headed inside for the living room and took the same seats we did three days ago.

"Well, kids, you know what's coming. We've both decided that your choice is final and that neither of us would argue with it."

It's my responsibility. CJ's too dumb to make up his mind, and our twin telepathy is a little haywire here.

"Why should we have to choose? Dad's basically raised us on his own so we owe him big time, all our friends are here, but on the flipside, we've had a great time this weekend and we've actually gotten to know our mom! Why can't you just share custody?"

"You know what? That's a great idea! Why didn't we think of that?"

"Because Tilly has more brains than everyone else in this room put together. Doubled." Thanks Dad. "So can we agree on that?"

"I guess. They can live here during the week, and spend weekends and vacations with me."

"Deal." Mom and Dad shook hands.

"You know Jillian, you look great tonight..."

"I'm engaged, Chris."

"Oh. Yeah." Dad realised he was acting like an idiot and pulled back.

"But I owe you a lot. You've basically managed to raise the kids better than anyone imagined you could. So for that...thanks." Mom said as she exited through the front door. She got in her car and drove away.

"So are we living with Dad?" I was about to explode before I realised that would kill the moment.

"No, we're spending our school time with Dad. On weekends and vacations, we're staying with Mom."

"How does that work?" Better not over tax his brain.

"You'll figure it out." I went to stand next to Dad, who was gazing out the window.

"You miss Mom, don't you?"

Dad just kept staring. "I used to. When she first left, I was a mess. Your grandparents basically had to do everything for you two, cause I was just 18 and that was the first real relationship I've ever had. For weeks, hell, months I couldn't do anything but feel sorry for myself."

"What made you better?"

"I don't know. I guess something clicked in my mind. Like the fact that I had two kids and I at least wanted to be a semi decent father to you both, even if I couldn't be anything else."

"I love you Dad."

"I love you too." We exchanged a hug.

"Come on. I've got pizza in the oven. You can tell me all about your Mom's water slide." We headed for dinner.


End file.
